Anger in the family

In the parenting workshops I'm doing I hear a lot from parents talk about their childlren's anger--tantrums, verbal and physical fights with each other, outbursts at school or with other peers, etc. One approach to dealing with this is the one Izzy Kalman takes. I attended a workshop he did in September 06, where he taught us to use his "game" as a technique for dealing with anger. It's very interesting, but I don't want to go into it here other than to say that his approach to helping parents deal with children's anger outbursts is essentially to NOT try to stop them or stop the fighting, or punish them for it, because that's what fuels the fire. In similar fashion he says the way to stop bullying is not to punish the bully, but teach the victim not to be intimidated. He does workshops around the country and works with school districts on this. For more informtion, visit his website: www.Bullies2Buddies.com.

My concern here is the parents' anger. I've developed a 10-session course on anger management for parents and other adults that I'm running now for the 2nd time at a local agency. Lorraine Bilodeau (in Responding to Anger) speak of an "anger response cycle," and I've taken that idea and added some things to it that might sound a little complicated, but I build it up over time in the course. The basics are: 1) a trigger event (X), 2) my thought about X, 3) adrenaline reaction in the brain causes 4) a defensive emotional response (anger), and I immediately have 5) another thought about what to do, which leads to 6) a behvioral reaction to X on my part.

At point 2), which I call "Thought 1" or the "Threat Thought," I make an interpretation about X that either causes an adrenalin/anger response or does not. And at point 5), which I call "Thought 2" or the "Decision Thought," I have one or more thoughts that determine what I will say or do behaviorally. The whole cycle usually occurs in a split second for many people. My goal is to help participants see that there are 2 points in the anger response cycle that they have the power to intervene: thoughts 1 and 2, and to help them work with this and become more conscious of their own internal process in anger situations.

Two neat things have come out of the current class that I'm teaching. 1) One participant identified the insight that at Thought 1, "It's Me!" In other words, I make myself angry, the other person doesn't, depending on what my interpretation of X is. The other neat thing is that another participant (who has had a very explosive and violent temper) came up with the insight that the whole thing happens so fast that at Thought 2 "You don't hear yourself think!" I've been celebrating those two insights in the group, and most group members are finding that they simply are not getting angry very much any more (thanks to "Thought 1"), and this other fellow, while he still gets angry quickly, is now slowing down and at Thought 2 is thinking through the consequences of potential responses and is simply not exploding, but taking time out to consider options and determine how he wants to respond.

(Sorry for being so long-winded. But it's Golden's fault! He "made" me promise to post something here, and this is what we were talking about in our last group meeting. It's not MY fault if I get carried away!)

Chuck Adam