Parenting Teenagers

Parenting teenagers might be harder today than ever before, even for those parents who pretty much "have it all together."

Parenting teenagers has been made so difficult today by significant social changes over the past twenty years that have weakened parent-child bonds in many families.

Social Trends

1). Technology has been pulling children away from their parents: powerful computers and computer games, broad internet access, MySpace and YouTube type communication, interactive video games, cell phones, ipods, etc. These technologies have made all information available to all people regardless of age--or children’s readiness to deal with it. The child’s world has been expanded to the limits of the globe, way beyond the reach of parents and the four walls of the home.

2). At the same time, economic stresses and pressures on parents and families have been pulling parents away from their children. The vast majority of mothers have long been in the work force, outside the home, leaving a large part of the nurturing and raising of their youngest children in the hands of outsiders. Many parents have less time to spend with their children.

3). Interpersonal stresses and loss have been negatively impacting children for a long time, through divorce, remarriage, single-parent families, and (it appears to me) increasingly bitter custody battles.

4). Legal protections of children have tied parents’ hands from using the old fashioned methods of "disciplining" by corporal punishment, and many parents feel at a loss as to how to replace the old methods with more effective ones.

As a result of these social trends, teenagers are, by and large, much more sophisticated, more worldly-wise, more autonomous, more "hardened," more disconnected from parents, and more "well-connected" outside the home than there parents were as children. So it’s not really surprising that they are, as a group, more apt to defy their parents than today’s parents were when they themselves were teens.

And it’s not surprising that parents of teens often find it impossible to "keep their kids in line" using the parenting techniques they learned from their own parents, in a different day and age. Today's parents of teens are too often trying harder with primitive methods that are essentially power-and-control tactics (like punishment by deprivation of goods, money, or privileges). These methods are not only ineffective, but, making matters worse, they too often invite teenagers’ anger, and challenge them to be even more defiant.

So, what are today's parents of teenagers to do? Here are ten suggestions.

My experience as a parent educator and coach is teaching me that the way to go is for parents to parent smarter rather than harder. They say "you can’t teach an old dog new tricks." As some of the parents I work with tell me, it’s really hard to start breaking bad habits and even harder to keep from falling back into them. But those who are persistent, and committed to learning a few new skills, are having remarkable success with teenagers who were not so long ago driving them crazy. Here’s what I’m recommending, and what they are learning to do that is actually working in the sense that they are feeling better about themselves as parents and also seeing positive responses in their teenagers.

1). I tell these parents that they have been fired as their teenager’s boss. I tell them, This can be seen from a developmental perspective–it’s their job to get ready for life on their own. They think they’re grown. They demand to be treated as adults. They say they’re no longer kids. And they’ve decided that you, their parents, are no longer their boss. Period. Accept it. This requires an attitude adjustment on your part. Now you’ve got to learn some new tricks, and learn to parent smarter.

2). I recommend that my parents try coming at this whole thing from the opposite side, and try (as an experiment) a counter-intuitive approach: namely, backing off. Wanting the best for their kids, they’ve been trying too hard, using outmoded and ineffective methods (especially punishments) that don’t work. These kids are too smart and too independent to be fazed, and they only get madder and more defiant. To me "backing off" does not mean "backing down" or "backing away" or "backing out." It means to stop giving orders, stop yelling, stop criticizing, stop correcting, stop lecturing and explaining, stop making demands, stop the endless reminders, and (I’ll repeat it once more) stop giving orders. Your kids know what you want and how you think. It’s not that they "don’t listen." They hear it all–it’s just that they refuse to comply. And they know that you can’t make them do anything. The best you can do is get their cooperation. So, instead of making demands, make requests. And be willing to settle for a "no."

3). I recommend that parents figure out which role they have been typically playing with their teenager. From most authoritative to least, the six possibilities are: sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, and servant. The only role that will consistently work well with teenagers is the consultant role. Your job is to get rehired as the teen’s consultant. And a consultant gives his or her opinions only when they’re wanted. So you have to learn when your teenager wants to hear your opinion before you give it.

4). In this respect, I recommend that the parents start listening and observing, without making comments or judgments. It’s more important for you to hear what your kid thinks than for your kid to hear what you think. (They’ve already heard it a thousand times.) I recommend that they talk much less to their teenager, and let the teen take the lead in starting conversations. Then, when they do, the parent should perk up, show interest, ask questions, try to learn how the teen thinks and feels about things that are important to him/her.

5). If 90% of the parent’s communication is reserved for listening (which I recommend), then the 10% that’s left for talking can be much more effective (and less bossy). That 10% is reserved for making requests (not giving orders). It’s for asking opinions (not providing them). It’s for making "I-messages" (not "you-messages"). It might even be for making apologies (not demanding them).

6). There will, of course, be times when the parent wants to discuss something and hold the teen accountable. I recommend "holding off" on it till the teen comes to you with some kind of request (or demand) of you, like going to a rock concert. Your response can then be something like, "Oh, I’m glad you mentioned that. It reminds me that I’ve been wanting to ask you about the fact that the lawn hasn’t been cut for three weeks." Stop. See how he responds. You have now set the table for a little dialog: he wants something, and you want something. Get his ideas on how this dilemma should be handled. The more the teenager takes the lead in offering solutions to problems you have with him/her, the better.

7). I strongly recommend that my parents toss out the concept of "rules," and replace it with "agreements." House agreements are negotiated, not imposed, like rules are. So, too, are consequences–positive as well as negative, with the positive being far more effective in encouraging responsible actions.

8). I also recommend that parents redefine "discipline." Unfortunately, in our culture it always means "punishment," but in Latin "disciplina" means teaching and learning. So I suggest thinking of "discipline" in the home as "teaching (and learning) responsibility and cooperation." It’s always based on dialogue, and agreement, not orders or commands.

9). I strongly recommend to my parents that they entirely avoid arguments and power struggles. It always takes two to argue, and if parents can control themselves and refuse to engage in power struggles, they will help both their teenager and themselves to avoid digging a deeper pit than they are already in. If the parent can accept the fact that s/he does not have to "win" in order to be a good or effective parent, it helps the child by letting them know that mom (or dad) may not agree, but she (he) can at least accept them as having a different view (and perhaps a very disagreeable one). This is clearly a sign of respect, which also conveys that the parent is aware that s/he cannot control the teen’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior, and is not about to try. Also, if parents can possible see that their child’s angry tantrum and willingness to engage in a power struggle might be motivated by feelings of weakness, inadequacy, or low self-worth, they can more easily let go of the need to "win" and relate to their child’s painful underlying feelings.

10). Regarding school attendance and performance, I always recommend that parents be aware of what their teen is doing, but don’t try to push them to perform better. They know good and well that their high school studies will affect post-high opportunities. And I’ve known teenagers who didn’t want to go to college, but later got themselves into a Voc-Tech program and were quite satisfied doing what they wanted to do.

Conclusion

I am finding that parents who seek out educational or coaching experiences are a pleasure to work with because they are willing to learn and change in order to help their child(ren) and to improve their parent-child relationships. While the task is typically harder than most parents expect it will be, and while some parents have an easier time than others in learning to parent "smarter rather than harder," almost all of them are grateful to learn that there are different ways of handling things than they learned from their own parents. And those who hang in there, working at learning new skills over a period of months, not only feel better about themselves as parents, but even find a satisfying payoff in an improved parent-teen relationship.