Introducing Peri-Adolescence, a new developmental phase

• Hi, I'm Sarah Gillen. I'm a certified Parenting Coach, and a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I’m writing a book proposing a new phase of child development, that I strongly think needs to be recognized. The ideas in it benefit pre-teens and teens as well. These concepts also help marriages, and any other relationship! So, I’m hoping that many folks will find value and be helped to have happier relationships from the book.
  
  I want to discuss it here and get your responses. That’ll help me a lot to fine-tune the material for book form.
  I’ve coined the term, “peri-adolescence” to describe the new phase, which in girls is from 8 – 10, and in boys is 9 – 11.
  
  Have you been shocked or surprised by some of the behaviors of your kids in these age groups? Are you surprised by tantrums, rudeness, tough-guy posturing, increased aggression, sneering, or hyper-sensitivity and to tone or comments, leading to outrage and quickly escalating fights? Parents and teachers are seeing moodiness and upset that we used to expect in 13 year olds. What is going on, and why is it happening so much sooner?
  
  The angst that children are evincing looks like adolescence. In early adolescence – 13-14 or so, kids seem so tough and rejecting. They are moody, aloof. They don’t seem to want anything to do with us. In actuality, because of what is happening neurologically, as well as psychologically at this age, their aloofness and rudeness hide a vulnerable and delicate core. It’s as if they know that their sense of self is not ready for public exposure. On some level, they know that they don’t have a clear, strong sense of who they are with which to meet the rigors of adult life.
  
  So it is with 8-11 year olds now. The rudeness, the freaking out, are not signs children are more mature earlier. They are signs that the pressures have increased, the expectations that children feel have increased, and kids don’t know what to do with them, at the same time as their bodies are beginning the second largest change in their lives.
  
  The benefits of recognizing peri-adolescence as a developmental phase are that:
• we can reduce painful mislabeling of their behavior and motivations, so that disruptive and conflictual acting out is reduced
• ease their transition into adolescence
• ensure that teens enjoy a healthy and rich connection with their families thru to adulthood
• increase the possibility that girls, especially, will retain higher self-esteem (I’ll talk about the research that shows how much girls lose their self-confidence as they move from childhood into adolescence)
  
  Here, as well as In my own blog, http://www.peri-adolescence.typepad.com/, I’ll talk about:
• the 3 reasons why children seem to be developing sooner,
• what is going on biologically at this age, and
• why it’s important to recognize the pressures on modern kids, both internal and external,
• what parents and teachers can do to understand and respond differently,
• what not to do.
  
  Is this topic of interest to you? What thoughts do you have as to what’s going on with our kids?
  
  
  
  
  

Teaching Children to Share

Have you ever noticed the look on the face of a 3 year old when told to “share a toy”? I don’t think a look of gratitude or understanding is what comes to mind. I think most young children equate sharing with “me having nothing” and the other child having “everything”.

I noticed that if I requested that my kids “traded” toys, instead of “sharing” a toy, I got much better cooperation. This way, both kids had something. My question to my child when they wanted something the other child had was, “What’s your trade?”. At times, I may have had to referee, “find a better trade”, when an older child was trying to sneak in a loser trade. For the most part, however, the idea makes sense to children and is received easily.

Another tip is to offer “taking turns” and then set a timer or number of tries as the trade off point. Remember that 10 minutes or 10 tries is an ETERNITY to a 3 year old. Keep the time and turns within a limit that would make sense for a young child – 5 minutes or 3 turns for example.

Before you know it, you will hear your children becoming master negotiators and sharers of all things.

Anyone else have any tips or thoughts on sharing?

Beverly Dolenz Walsh
Life and Family Coach

Imagine Your Life…Then Live It!

Teaching Children to Fish

Ask a parent to describe in a word or two what long-range vision they have for their child. Most will say something like the following…success, happiness, independence, a good job, loving family and friends, etc.

The question becomes, “How do we, as parents, help our children get to this goal?”.

I believe that most parents would agree that it is important to EMPOWER children and not ENABLE them. But, what does it mean to empower or enable? I think the following Chinese Proverb is the perfect definition.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

This proverb illustrates enabling (DOING for your child so that he is dependent on you. Giving the fish.) versus empowering (TEACHING your child so that confidence and independence are built).

Although it may take longer, I’m trying to teach my children to fish :-)