WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'd love to know whether anyone in our parenting group has used "Parenting With Love and Logic" and/or "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic," both by Cline and Fay, particularly their approach to dealing with kids' anger. They focus a great deal on consistency, on parents' learning how to modulate their own responses to kids' behavior, and on always linking behavior and consequences (like the "real world," they point out. My daughter in law recently took a course in her local school which used their materials and says she found it helpful for clarifying her thinking. But since nobody in our group has mentioned them, I wonder what you feel about the validity and usefulness of this approach.

Anger in the family

In the parenting workshops I'm doing I hear a lot from parents talk about their childlren's anger--tantrums, verbal and physical fights with each other, outbursts at school or with other peers, etc. One approach to dealing with this is the one Izzy Kalman takes. I attended a workshop he did in September 06, where he taught us to use his "game" as a technique for dealing with anger. It's very interesting, but I don't want to go into it here other than to say that his approach to helping parents deal with children's anger outbursts is essentially to NOT try to stop them or stop the fighting, or punish them for it, because that's what fuels the fire. In similar fashion he says the way to stop bullying is not to punish the bully, but teach the victim not to be intimidated. He does workshops around the country and works with school districts on this. For more informtion, visit his website: www.Bullies2Buddies.com.

My concern here is the parents' anger. I've developed a 10-session course on anger management for parents and other adults that I'm running now for the 2nd time at a local agency. Lorraine Bilodeau (in Responding to Anger) speak of an "anger response cycle," and I've taken that idea and added some things to it that might sound a little complicated, but I build it up over time in the course. The basics are: 1) a trigger event (X), 2) my thought about X, 3) adrenaline reaction in the brain causes 4) a defensive emotional response (anger), and I immediately have 5) another thought about what to do, which leads to 6) a behvioral reaction to X on my part.

At point 2), which I call "Thought 1" or the "Threat Thought," I make an interpretation about X that either causes an adrenalin/anger response or does not. And at point 5), which I call "Thought 2" or the "Decision Thought," I have one or more thoughts that determine what I will say or do behaviorally. The whole cycle usually occurs in a split second for many people. My goal is to help participants see that there are 2 points in the anger response cycle that they have the power to intervene: thoughts 1 and 2, and to help them work with this and become more conscious of their own internal process in anger situations.

Two neat things have come out of the current class that I'm teaching. 1) One participant identified the insight that at Thought 1, "It's Me!" In other words, I make myself angry, the other person doesn't, depending on what my interpretation of X is. The other neat thing is that another participant (who has had a very explosive and violent temper) came up with the insight that the whole thing happens so fast that at Thought 2 "You don't hear yourself think!" I've been celebrating those two insights in the group, and most group members are finding that they simply are not getting angry very much any more (thanks to "Thought 1"), and this other fellow, while he still gets angry quickly, is now slowing down and at Thought 2 is thinking through the consequences of potential responses and is simply not exploding, but taking time out to consider options and determine how he wants to respond.

(Sorry for being so long-winded. But it's Golden's fault! He "made" me promise to post something here, and this is what we were talking about in our last group meeting. It's not MY fault if I get carried away!)

Chuck Adam

Children's Privacy

I saw a news article several weeks ago on the Today Show. The issue they were addressing was privacy for teenagers. The professional they had on the show basically said parents need to make privacy decisions based on the child. Upon first glance that may sound acceptable. However, the article seemed to neglect a primary principle of parenting....SAFETY. As a parent and bonus parent I am responsible for the safety of my family. Although the internet is for the most part safe, it has many vulnerabilities. My 13 y/0 bonus daughter loves using "My Space" to stay in contact with her friends. Here again, I think it can be a great tool for communication and fun. However, she only 13 y/0. She is vulnerable even though she does not think so. How can she know of the risks? She does not have the life experience or maturity to know that she is at risk. Therefore, it is her mother's and my responsibility to be diligent in our pursuit of safety. Nothing, absolutely nothing on the internet is private. Once it is on the world web someone with enough knowledge and determination can have access to that information and trace it to the exact location. This is where the vulnerability lies and a question emerges. How far can we as parents move into our children's world without an personal invitation? I basically think that if I believe a risk exists, I have the right and obligation to be involved. What do you think?

By the way, My Space is the website that one of the major television networks entraps sexual abusers. They have entrapped many, many sick and perverted people.

Stay Strong; Stay Positive

Golden Jenkins, M.Div., M.Ed., LPC

LifeCare Coaching
Auburn, AL
334.444.3500

Caring For Your Life is Our Passion

Grand/Parenting: What Do Our Families Need From Us?

Parenting By Our Strengths is a lovely, appropriate title for this blog. I'd like to add another dimension to the discussion because I am both a parent and a grandparent. My husband and I are grandparents to several young children, including a special needs child.

What I have learned (to my surprise!) at this stage of life is that we never stop being parents--although the challenge is to learn how to be good parents to our children as they mature--and that when they in turn become parents, this adds a layer of complexity as well as richness to family life. The optimal outcome between us and our adult children, I believe, is to create a relationship where we enjoy and support and respect each other as adults. That seems clear to me.

But I have been less clear about our optimal relationship to our children as grandparents. In my professional work with parents I often hear feelings of disappointment when grandparents are not very involved or apparently interested in their grandchildren. I hear more of those complaints, interestingly, than complaints that grandparents are intrusive. When I speak with people of my own generation--the grandfolks--I hear delight in having grandkids, coupled with great energy for their own lives. These days many grandparents work well past retirement age for economic or personal reasons, or they travel frequently and split their time between retirement homes. Often they do help their children out financially or by babysitting. Sometimes everyone is happy with the family structure as it evolves. Other times old tensions reappear, or new ones come into play. I see this particularly with families where the adult children are undergoing a lot of stress, sometimes because of financial problems, sometimes because of marital conflict, sometimes because of the demands of caring for their special needs children.

Recently my husband and I joined a support group in Manhattan for grandparents of children on the autistic spectrum. It's a relief to find such a community partly because we want to keep up the newest research on autism. But I have another reason too: I have become aware, through working with young parents of autistic children, of how hurt they often feel because they see their parents interacting less or inappropriately, with the autistic child compared to its siblings. They say that when they try to address the problem, they feel defensive and are met with defensiveness. The grandparents are truly unaware of any difference and certainly do not love this grandchild any less.

As I see how easy it is for misunderstanding and hurt to develop on both sides and for these to damage a good family relationship, I want us to be more aware of our own blind spots as grandparents and find out how other grandparents deal with these issues. What I have discovered so far is that a chronic condition like autism can have hidden effects on everyone's morale. What I want is to find new ways to do more than just cope but actually thrive as a family. I am coming to think that this is a central role grandparents can play. I would love to hear from people with ideas that I can bring to this group of grandparents, who are dedicated and sometimes stretched beyond their limits by their wish to help their families. From my study of positive psychology, with its emphasis on strengths, I believe we have a whole repertoire of possibilities we've scarcely tapped for families like ours.
I look forward to your responses.

Great link on Parenting Education

http://www.incredibleyears.com/ Here is a great link for parenting education. I am just learning about this program. It has many ideas for good parent education and looks like a great program. I have just clicked around the site and really enjoyed the link on Child Art. I would love to hear what you think if you have taught or attended this course!
Mary Ivory MA, LCPC -Life Coach, Counselor-
Offices in the River North Area of Chicago, 312-859-6654