Talking to Kids about S-E-X

When parents think about talking to their children and teens about sexuality, common questions arise.

At what age do I begin talking about sex with my child?

Won’t I damage their innocence if I tell them these “grown-up” things?

What do I do about media?

If I talk about contraception and safe sex practices with my teen, won’t he or she think I think it’s ok for him/her to have sex? Won’t I just be making him/her want to go do it?

Most parents agree that their kids need to know the basics about sex—the “plumbing lesson,” so to speak. Insightful parents realize their kids need a lot more. This is where things can get tricky. These are not always easy conversations to have with children and teens, even though we know they are important. Many of us grew up in homes where sexuality was not a topic open for discussion around the dinner table. Here is some information that will hopefully help you as you embark on this important parenting journey.

Parents are their children’s first and primary sexuality educators, whether they are talking about sexuality or not. Either way, you give a loud message to your child. Is it ok to talk about these parts of my body and their functions? Is it embarrassing and shameful? Natural and normal?

Think about what messages you give on a daily basis regarding bodies and what they do. When children are infants, they often discover their genitalia at some point during the diaper changing process. What is your reaction? Is it matter of fact? Do you give them the name for that body part (penis, vulva) like you would if they found their nose? If you’re past this stage and wished you’d done it differently, no worries. The great thing about parenting is that issues come up again and again in different ways, so we get lots of practice to grow into how we want to be.

Toddlers and preschoolers are often curious about their body parts and what they do. Many times, families are having a second or subsequent child around this time, so a natural opportunity for discussion arises. There are some wonderful resources around teaching young children in the form of books that can help, especially if you are at all uncomfortable saying words like penis, testicles, vagina and vulva in front of your young child. One such book is Belly Buttons are Navels by Mark Schoen. For more resources for young children and also preteens and teens, go to http://www.diligentjoy.com/resources.html.

Some parents worry about damaging their child’s innocence by talking about sex. If we are discussing sexuality matter-of-factly and letting our kids take the lead with questions, there is little chance of this. Some children, however, will never bring it up, even if you are willing to talk about it. That’s where a book like Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character by Dominic Cappello and Pepper Schwartz can be helpful. This book encourages parents to be clear about their values, and then walks you through ten conversations to have with your child in a story format. Again, there are many resources to help you in this process.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the media in today’s parenting world. There are several options we have as parents when dealing with tv, the internet, and other sources of blatant and often unhealthy displays of sexuality. Parents can set limits regarding television viewing in terms of time and allowable programs. Many televisions now come with the ability to block any shows or ratings that are unacceptable to you. These are especially useful when you have several ages of children in your home. Computers are also able to be set up to block sites, words, topics, etc. Check your computer software or look at your local electronics store for one of the many options available. Remember, though, that no matter what you do, your child will probably be exposed at some time to something that you wish he or she hadn’t seen. Use these opportunities to keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions that bring in your values. Do you think that was respectful behavior? Why or why not? What do you think she is saying about herself by wearing that? Do you know kids who dress/act like that? What do you think about them? It’s important these questions are asked in a matter of fact way, and not in a way that implies there is only one acceptable answer. The goal is to keep communication open.

The debate about teaching teens about sexuality and how it affects their behavior has been raging for decades. Fortunately, the research is clear. Teaching children and youth about sexuality, including the use of contraception and barrier methods to promote safe sexual behavior, does not increase the age of onset in sexual behavior. In fact, it has been shown to decrease both teen pregnancy rates and rates of sexually transmitted infections, which many teens do not realize can be spread without having vaginal intercourse. In my experience with teaching sexuality education to teens, the more information they have, the more seriously they take the decision of becoming sexually active.

One expert I heard recently summed up this issue very well. She said that some conservative abstinence-only-until-marriage groups say the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just don’t do it.” On the other side of the same coin there is the media/popular culture saying the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just do it.” What’s not only important for young people to do, but also what has been shown to be the most effective in keeping them healthy, is to think about it. So swallow those uncomfortable feelings, check out some good resources, and start talking to your kids about sex.