Parenting One Drop At A Time

My younger son takes Tae Kwon Do. A few weeks back we were at the studio before a class and he was on the floor stretching and then practicing his forms. Other children, the same age and older, and many at higher belt levels, were chasing each other, climbing on mats, and kicking the sparring dummies. The instructors and studio owner have clearly told the children what’s allowed and what isn’t, but they won’t follow the rules until an instructor comes in.

One of the mothers pointed to my son and said, “He’s so focused.” I told her he’s usually pretty scattered and needs some guidance and redirection. So she asked me, “How did you get him to work on his forms?”

“I told him to,” I explained.

She looked surprised. She said I should talk to all the kids. I explained they don’t know me well and I don’t have a way to enforce rules so they wouldn’t listen to me. She went to the doorway of the training room and suggested to some of the students that they needed to practice since belt tests were coming up. They stopped just long enough to look at her, but then returned to their horseplay when she quit talking. Leading children doesn’t work in isolation. It’s an ongoing project.

Parenting is like cultivating a botanical park from wilderness. It’s planting and tending and pruning. It’s watering and draining away excess water. It’s fertilizing, especially through an organic system where natural processes provide the nutrition. It’s pulling weeds—lots and lots of pulling weeds!

As parents we want to encourage self-sufficiency, nurture good habits, build up self-confidence, and cultivate strong character based on principles and deep values. Lectures and occasional “crackdowns” on behavior don’t accomplish this. We nurture these attitudes and habits a drop at a time over many years.
We are guiding our children’s behaviors and their thoughts. With time, behaviors become habits, and habits become character. Thoughts become beliefs, and beliefs shape reality. Our children’s character and beliefs determine who they are. Their character and beliefs will grow from their experiences, whether we are intentional and purposeful in what we are teaching or unaware of what they are learning. Something’s going to grow in that garden, with or without our help. We shape the garden by cultivating.

My nine-year-old son is able to put up his laundry by himself. I say able, because in all honesty he doesn’t want to do it and he loves having help. But he is able. I started by having him help put away an item or two when he was a toddler. Now he folds and hangs up, and he’s helping with washing and drying so he’ll be able to do his own laundry in a year or so.

In the same way, I help my sons build habits of thought. For example, I want them to understand gratitude. I want them to see even small favors as a gift. Giving reminders about using their manners as they head out to an event won’t be enough to instill a spirit of gratitude. A sticker chart might get them to use polite words, but it won’t teach the value of gratitude. I have to make it my goal and find opportunities to teach and train. For example, I will be sure to use “please” and “thank you” with simple requests of them. I tell them how the favor specifically helps me. When they ask for help with something I make sure I hear “please,” especially when they’re talking to each other. If I don’t hear “thank you” between brothers, I comment that one went out of his way to help the other. This prompts a “thank you” and a specific statement of appreciation. It’s then that I see the spirit of gratitude coming through.

This approach applies to most habits that define maturity and character. For example, children can learn to avoid chores and complain about them, or they can learn the value of taking care of their own things and the connection built by sharing in family tasks. They can learn to put work first and play second, or they can learn to go out with friends and put off homework and chores until later. They can learn it’s okay for brothers and sisters to fight and argue constantly, or they can learn to resolve problems and treat each other with consideration. They can learn to be rude and sassy to us in front of their friends if we agree “fitting in” with rude and sassy friends is more important than kindness and respect. Or they can learn to take a stand for being considerate and respecting their parents. It depends on how and where we lead them.

To be fair to the mother at Tae Kwon Do, “I told him to” was a pretty brief answer. The reasons my son was practicing were many. When he first wanted to sign up, I told him it was a commitment of family time and money. I explained what we expected: that he would do his best and invest his effort at improving, and he would have to pay close attention and understand what the instructor was teaching. From time to time I review the expectations and remind him he can continue to commit and make an effort or let it go if he’s not enjoying it any more.

So he was practicing his forms because he likes Tae Kwon Do and wants to improve. He was practicing because he preferred to do that instead of sitting in the viewing area. He was practicing because he knew if he started acting silly and breaking studio rules I would make him sit down and might take him home.

Teaching Tae Kwon Do is a wonderful analogy for parenting. Brand new students learn basic moves and get a higher belt when they “master” them. But several belts up those same moves look much different. They are more precise, more defined, and more powerful. At each level the standard for performing the move increases. When a black belt demonstrates a basic move, you can hear the foot or hand whipping through the air!

Students only receive the privilege and responsibility of moving to a higher belt level when they have demonstrated they are ready. Instructors don’t say, “This girl is in junior high now so we have to give her a higher belt with higher privileges.” They say, “This girl is in junior high so we expect her to be able to earn this higher belt…but we’re not giving it to her until she earns it.”

The expectations increase as the student gets older, but the freedoms and privileges only increase as they are earned. And the instructor knows when that time has come, because she is watching, reinforcing, correcting, demonstrating, explaining, and refining the student’s moves and decisions. The instructor is attending mindfully to the student while having the student practice things she has been doing for years. The instructor watches the progress carefully and continues to guide, showing ways to strengthen punches and removing habits of sloppy stances and weak kicks.

The basic patterns of behavior and thought are taught early on in Tae Kwon Do, but they are practiced and refined with each lesson. The instructor says, “Lift your leg this way and your kick will be stronger.” She says, “Put your hand here for this kind of block or your sparring partner will be able to hit your face.” Behavior and thought come together for an ultimate purpose.

To me, that’s Mentorship. A Mentor sees where you are, what you are capable of doing, and where you can be in the future. A Mentor shows you your potential and helps you set goals and create a path to get there. As parents we can mentor our children to become capable adults with strong character who connect with people and live with purpose, meaning, contentment, and occasionally joy. We do this one drop at a time.

Parenting Teenagers

Parenting teenagers might be harder today than ever before, even for those parents who pretty much "have it all together."

Parenting teenagers has been made so difficult today by significant social changes over the past twenty years that have weakened parent-child bonds in many families.

Social Trends

1). Technology has been pulling children away from their parents: powerful computers and computer games, broad internet access, MySpace and YouTube type communication, interactive video games, cell phones, ipods, etc. These technologies have made all information available to all people regardless of age--or children’s readiness to deal with it. The child’s world has been expanded to the limits of the globe, way beyond the reach of parents and the four walls of the home.

2). At the same time, economic stresses and pressures on parents and families have been pulling parents away from their children. The vast majority of mothers have long been in the work force, outside the home, leaving a large part of the nurturing and raising of their youngest children in the hands of outsiders. Many parents have less time to spend with their children.

3). Interpersonal stresses and loss have been negatively impacting children for a long time, through divorce, remarriage, single-parent families, and (it appears to me) increasingly bitter custody battles.

4). Legal protections of children have tied parents’ hands from using the old fashioned methods of "disciplining" by corporal punishment, and many parents feel at a loss as to how to replace the old methods with more effective ones.

As a result of these social trends, teenagers are, by and large, much more sophisticated, more worldly-wise, more autonomous, more "hardened," more disconnected from parents, and more "well-connected" outside the home than there parents were as children. So it’s not really surprising that they are, as a group, more apt to defy their parents than today’s parents were when they themselves were teens.

And it’s not surprising that parents of teens often find it impossible to "keep their kids in line" using the parenting techniques they learned from their own parents, in a different day and age. Today's parents of teens are too often trying harder with primitive methods that are essentially power-and-control tactics (like punishment by deprivation of goods, money, or privileges). These methods are not only ineffective, but, making matters worse, they too often invite teenagers’ anger, and challenge them to be even more defiant.

So, what are today's parents of teenagers to do? Here are ten suggestions.

My experience as a parent educator and coach is teaching me that the way to go is for parents to parent smarter rather than harder. They say "you can’t teach an old dog new tricks." As some of the parents I work with tell me, it’s really hard to start breaking bad habits and even harder to keep from falling back into them. But those who are persistent, and committed to learning a few new skills, are having remarkable success with teenagers who were not so long ago driving them crazy. Here’s what I’m recommending, and what they are learning to do that is actually working in the sense that they are feeling better about themselves as parents and also seeing positive responses in their teenagers.

1). I tell these parents that they have been fired as their teenager’s boss. I tell them, This can be seen from a developmental perspective–it’s their job to get ready for life on their own. They think they’re grown. They demand to be treated as adults. They say they’re no longer kids. And they’ve decided that you, their parents, are no longer their boss. Period. Accept it. This requires an attitude adjustment on your part. Now you’ve got to learn some new tricks, and learn to parent smarter.

2). I recommend that my parents try coming at this whole thing from the opposite side, and try (as an experiment) a counter-intuitive approach: namely, backing off. Wanting the best for their kids, they’ve been trying too hard, using outmoded and ineffective methods (especially punishments) that don’t work. These kids are too smart and too independent to be fazed, and they only get madder and more defiant. To me "backing off" does not mean "backing down" or "backing away" or "backing out." It means to stop giving orders, stop yelling, stop criticizing, stop correcting, stop lecturing and explaining, stop making demands, stop the endless reminders, and (I’ll repeat it once more) stop giving orders. Your kids know what you want and how you think. It’s not that they "don’t listen." They hear it all–it’s just that they refuse to comply. And they know that you can’t make them do anything. The best you can do is get their cooperation. So, instead of making demands, make requests. And be willing to settle for a "no."

3). I recommend that parents figure out which role they have been typically playing with their teenager. From most authoritative to least, the six possibilities are: sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, and servant. The only role that will consistently work well with teenagers is the consultant role. Your job is to get rehired as the teen’s consultant. And a consultant gives his or her opinions only when they’re wanted. So you have to learn when your teenager wants to hear your opinion before you give it.

4). In this respect, I recommend that the parents start listening and observing, without making comments or judgments. It’s more important for you to hear what your kid thinks than for your kid to hear what you think. (They’ve already heard it a thousand times.) I recommend that they talk much less to their teenager, and let the teen take the lead in starting conversations. Then, when they do, the parent should perk up, show interest, ask questions, try to learn how the teen thinks and feels about things that are important to him/her.

5). If 90% of the parent’s communication is reserved for listening (which I recommend), then the 10% that’s left for talking can be much more effective (and less bossy). That 10% is reserved for making requests (not giving orders). It’s for asking opinions (not providing them). It’s for making "I-messages" (not "you-messages"). It might even be for making apologies (not demanding them).

6). There will, of course, be times when the parent wants to discuss something and hold the teen accountable. I recommend "holding off" on it till the teen comes to you with some kind of request (or demand) of you, like going to a rock concert. Your response can then be something like, "Oh, I’m glad you mentioned that. It reminds me that I’ve been wanting to ask you about the fact that the lawn hasn’t been cut for three weeks." Stop. See how he responds. You have now set the table for a little dialog: he wants something, and you want something. Get his ideas on how this dilemma should be handled. The more the teenager takes the lead in offering solutions to problems you have with him/her, the better.

7). I strongly recommend that my parents toss out the concept of "rules," and replace it with "agreements." House agreements are negotiated, not imposed, like rules are. So, too, are consequences–positive as well as negative, with the positive being far more effective in encouraging responsible actions.

8). I also recommend that parents redefine "discipline." Unfortunately, in our culture it always means "punishment," but in Latin "disciplina" means teaching and learning. So I suggest thinking of "discipline" in the home as "teaching (and learning) responsibility and cooperation." It’s always based on dialogue, and agreement, not orders or commands.

9). I strongly recommend to my parents that they entirely avoid arguments and power struggles. It always takes two to argue, and if parents can control themselves and refuse to engage in power struggles, they will help both their teenager and themselves to avoid digging a deeper pit than they are already in. If the parent can accept the fact that s/he does not have to "win" in order to be a good or effective parent, it helps the child by letting them know that mom (or dad) may not agree, but she (he) can at least accept them as having a different view (and perhaps a very disagreeable one). This is clearly a sign of respect, which also conveys that the parent is aware that s/he cannot control the teen’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior, and is not about to try. Also, if parents can possible see that their child’s angry tantrum and willingness to engage in a power struggle might be motivated by feelings of weakness, inadequacy, or low self-worth, they can more easily let go of the need to "win" and relate to their child’s painful underlying feelings.

10). Regarding school attendance and performance, I always recommend that parents be aware of what their teen is doing, but don’t try to push them to perform better. They know good and well that their high school studies will affect post-high opportunities. And I’ve known teenagers who didn’t want to go to college, but later got themselves into a Voc-Tech program and were quite satisfied doing what they wanted to do.

Conclusion

I am finding that parents who seek out educational or coaching experiences are a pleasure to work with because they are willing to learn and change in order to help their child(ren) and to improve their parent-child relationships. While the task is typically harder than most parents expect it will be, and while some parents have an easier time than others in learning to parent "smarter rather than harder," almost all of them are grateful to learn that there are different ways of handling things than they learned from their own parents. And those who hang in there, working at learning new skills over a period of months, not only feel better about themselves as parents, but even find a satisfying payoff in an improved parent-teen relationship.