Use the Strengths You Have

I have identified a list of Positive Parenting Strengths (you could call them Values in Parenting - VIP's) that are explicitly helpful in family life. We have many of the Positive Parenting Strengths in abundance but don’t always recognize them as valuable. When parents recognize these attributes and mindfully expand their use in situations, we feel more assured in our parenting. Increasing our reliance on these strengths also tends to give us more confidence in our communities and in work lives, as we see them help in all relationships.
The VIPs list is meant as an adjunct to the Values In Action list created by Chris Peterson, the positive psychology researcher, so I have not replicated the many valuable parenting skills, such as authenticity, curiosity, love of learning in the original. The lists can be used together to focus and enhance parents’ efforts.
Here,are the first two. These are skills that help parents of any aged child improve communication, feel more calm and confident, and maintain loving connections. Read through them and see how you may use them in sticky situations in your family.

1) Staying Grounded
You are able to stop, breathe, and connect in with the lower half of your body, especially when you find yourself getting worked up. You settle, turn inward, and feel the energy moving in your abdomen, pelvis, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and feet. You feel your energy joining with the energy of the earth, so that you feel connected, rather than like a helium balloon that someone forgot to knot after blowing up. You stay internally present in difficult and emotional situations.

2) Centered
You have a strong sense of your true self, and you feel it as a place in which you reside in yourself. You have a clear experience of the distinction between your personality and your Being. You are good at gathering yourself, not being distracted, or pulled into self-judgment. When the going gets tough, rather than reacting by scattering or closing down, you make a point of staying open and self-aware. You know that being centered connects you to spirit and to well-being.

Happy Summer!

Eight Tips for Nurturing Multiracial Children

A very nice person found her way to my website the other day and took the time to comment on my Biracial Kids page. Part of what she said was: “…kids are flexible” (and) “adults worry too much…” about being multiracial. I agree, kids are flexible and can be resilient. As parents/grandparents/or caregivers, we do worry, (But, I don’t think too much) about our kids as they negotiate this increasingly diverse world where racism is alive and thriving everywhere, sometime subtle and at other times blatant.

Research indicates that multiracial children and youth do have very unique needs and developmental challenges than do their monoracial peers. They must integrate dual racial and/or cultural identifications and then develop a positive racial identity, a positive self-concept, and a sense of competence, while accomplishing other developmental tasks (e.g., peer relationships, sexual identity, choosing a career, leaving home, etc.). They must develop verbal, intellectual and physical abilities to negotiate the racism that surrounds all of us, which impacts our lives everyday. So with this in mind, here is some expert advice for nurturing your multiracial children:

1. Talk about race routinely. This indicates you are open to answering questions and discussing concerns about race, and anything else your child may be experiencing. Identify instances of racism on the TV and in real life so she will recognize it when confronted with it.

2. Get to know the different ways that multiracial people may understand themselves racially. Discuss your child’s identity with her early, and later, when she may choose other identities.

3. Teach the history for all your child’s inherited cultures. If you haven’t yet, start a family tree and let her help. Teach about her European ethnicity along with her other heritages (African American, Native American, Latino, Chinese, etc) as appropriate.

4. Examine your inner prejudices and be aware of how you may make use of stereotypes. Do you have a mix of friends?

5. Establish a positive relationship with your child’s teacher early in the
school year. Spend time in the classroom, whenever, possible. It will be easier to discuss any difficult situation that may be racial, if it should arise.

6. Monitor, and if necessary, intervene in your child’s relationships with
friends and peers. Be aware of sudden changes in her moods and
behaviors that may indicate some underlying distress. Find out what might
explain the changes (It may or may not be racial).

7. Practice different types of verbal responses that she can use to affirm her identity when she is misidentified or when her racial identity is directly challenged. Multiracial people, regardless of their heritages, are not all alike - they don’t all look alike, they don’t understand themselves racially in the same way, and they may not even choose the same racial identity as siblings they live with.

8. Encourage participation in an activity that is fun and enjoyable and, which allows for developing a talent or skill building. Engaging in activities that she feels good at builds self-esteem and can counteract negative messages from others. Some suggested activities are: art, music, dance, mathematics, chess, Lego building, rock collecting, acting, sports,
or a combination of activities.

Following these eight tips you can be certain that you are doing your best to insure your child’s comfort with her multiracial heritage.

Next time, I will talk about developing a multiracial identity.

In the mean time, check out the following resources for more information:

Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

Raising Biracial Children by Kerry Ann Rockquemore and Tracey A. Laszloffy


“If Nothing Ever Changed, There Would Be No Butterflies.”
www.janicevanburenphd.com
janice@janicevanburenphd.com
609.915.4677

Families and Autism: Holidays at the Grandparents' House

As the grandparents of a little boy on the autistic spectrum, we have joined several organizations to help us become better parents and grandparents. Although we're both researchers and consider ourselves knowledgeable people, there has just been too much to learn on our own, so we are grateful to benefit from the work of so many others.

When Autism becomes part of your larger family life, things turn upside down. I'm sure it's true for any of you who have grandchildren with special needs. First, everyone has to deal with the stages of acceptance of the reality that these grandchildren need many kinds of services, the more the better when they are very young.

Watching your own children cope with the emotional rollercoasters they must ride is difficult enough. In addition, seeing the unremitting pressures on them as they try to balance work with childcare that goes beyond the norm and with all of the extra costs of services not covered by insurance or the municipality, can makes you as the older generation feel quite worried for their well-being.

We are learning, by trial and error and by talking a lot with our son and daughter in law, what we can do to relieve their unavoidable stress. We live across the country from them, so we can't just hop over and babysit on a regular basis. We don't have the financial resources to relieve them very much that way either. (What has helped us tremendously is being able to read the blog our daughter in law writes on their daily life, which gives us a glimpse of what they are experiencing.)

What we can do is listen when they need to talk.

What we can do is continue to educate ourselves about the Autistic spectrum.

What we can do is try to create an atmosphere, when they are with us, that allows them to relax.

That means being aware of what helps our sweet grandson relax. He loves being with his equally young cousins when they don't overwhelm him with noise, for example. He does best when we provide quiet places for him to retreat to when he needs that. Careful timing and pacing of visits is helpful too. And of course spending precious time with him while giving his parents some time to themselves is always appreciated.

Recently we got an online newsletter from the Autism Society of America with excellent tips on how to make big family holidays happier for your autistic grandchildren and everyone else. Click on this link to read the whole article.

Here are some ideas from the article that we have found especially helpful:

1. create transitions to help your grandchildren get used to larger numbers of people, such as talking to them about who will be coming to visit;

2. take them to a quiet place to play or outside for a walk to help them calm down when there is too much activity;

3. plan ahead: ask other family members to spend one on one time with them during the visit;

4. if the children are old enough, give them appropriate tasks (such as handing out napkins)so they can help out too--everybody likes to feel needed and useful.

Autism in the family is a challenge. So little is still known about the condition, and so much is being discovered daily. The learning curve is steep. Making family holidays into events that everybody can enjoy is not easy even when Autism is not an issue (psychotherapists can attest to that!), so there actually may be a hidden benefit here. As grandparents we are pushed to become more aware of our ability to help our families celebrate holidays happily and our power to make good things happen through conscious action.

Parenting One Drop At A Time

My younger son takes Tae Kwon Do. A few weeks back we were at the studio before a class and he was on the floor stretching and then practicing his forms. Other children, the same age and older, and many at higher belt levels, were chasing each other, climbing on mats, and kicking the sparring dummies. The instructors and studio owner have clearly told the children what’s allowed and what isn’t, but they won’t follow the rules until an instructor comes in.

One of the mothers pointed to my son and said, “He’s so focused.” I told her he’s usually pretty scattered and needs some guidance and redirection. So she asked me, “How did you get him to work on his forms?”

“I told him to,” I explained.

She looked surprised. She said I should talk to all the kids. I explained they don’t know me well and I don’t have a way to enforce rules so they wouldn’t listen to me. She went to the doorway of the training room and suggested to some of the students that they needed to practice since belt tests were coming up. They stopped just long enough to look at her, but then returned to their horseplay when she quit talking. Leading children doesn’t work in isolation. It’s an ongoing project.

Parenting is like cultivating a botanical park from wilderness. It’s planting and tending and pruning. It’s watering and draining away excess water. It’s fertilizing, especially through an organic system where natural processes provide the nutrition. It’s pulling weeds—lots and lots of pulling weeds!

As parents we want to encourage self-sufficiency, nurture good habits, build up self-confidence, and cultivate strong character based on principles and deep values. Lectures and occasional “crackdowns” on behavior don’t accomplish this. We nurture these attitudes and habits a drop at a time over many years.
We are guiding our children’s behaviors and their thoughts. With time, behaviors become habits, and habits become character. Thoughts become beliefs, and beliefs shape reality. Our children’s character and beliefs determine who they are. Their character and beliefs will grow from their experiences, whether we are intentional and purposeful in what we are teaching or unaware of what they are learning. Something’s going to grow in that garden, with or without our help. We shape the garden by cultivating.

My nine-year-old son is able to put up his laundry by himself. I say able, because in all honesty he doesn’t want to do it and he loves having help. But he is able. I started by having him help put away an item or two when he was a toddler. Now he folds and hangs up, and he’s helping with washing and drying so he’ll be able to do his own laundry in a year or so.

In the same way, I help my sons build habits of thought. For example, I want them to understand gratitude. I want them to see even small favors as a gift. Giving reminders about using their manners as they head out to an event won’t be enough to instill a spirit of gratitude. A sticker chart might get them to use polite words, but it won’t teach the value of gratitude. I have to make it my goal and find opportunities to teach and train. For example, I will be sure to use “please” and “thank you” with simple requests of them. I tell them how the favor specifically helps me. When they ask for help with something I make sure I hear “please,” especially when they’re talking to each other. If I don’t hear “thank you” between brothers, I comment that one went out of his way to help the other. This prompts a “thank you” and a specific statement of appreciation. It’s then that I see the spirit of gratitude coming through.

This approach applies to most habits that define maturity and character. For example, children can learn to avoid chores and complain about them, or they can learn the value of taking care of their own things and the connection built by sharing in family tasks. They can learn to put work first and play second, or they can learn to go out with friends and put off homework and chores until later. They can learn it’s okay for brothers and sisters to fight and argue constantly, or they can learn to resolve problems and treat each other with consideration. They can learn to be rude and sassy to us in front of their friends if we agree “fitting in” with rude and sassy friends is more important than kindness and respect. Or they can learn to take a stand for being considerate and respecting their parents. It depends on how and where we lead them.

To be fair to the mother at Tae Kwon Do, “I told him to” was a pretty brief answer. The reasons my son was practicing were many. When he first wanted to sign up, I told him it was a commitment of family time and money. I explained what we expected: that he would do his best and invest his effort at improving, and he would have to pay close attention and understand what the instructor was teaching. From time to time I review the expectations and remind him he can continue to commit and make an effort or let it go if he’s not enjoying it any more.

So he was practicing his forms because he likes Tae Kwon Do and wants to improve. He was practicing because he preferred to do that instead of sitting in the viewing area. He was practicing because he knew if he started acting silly and breaking studio rules I would make him sit down and might take him home.

Teaching Tae Kwon Do is a wonderful analogy for parenting. Brand new students learn basic moves and get a higher belt when they “master” them. But several belts up those same moves look much different. They are more precise, more defined, and more powerful. At each level the standard for performing the move increases. When a black belt demonstrates a basic move, you can hear the foot or hand whipping through the air!

Students only receive the privilege and responsibility of moving to a higher belt level when they have demonstrated they are ready. Instructors don’t say, “This girl is in junior high now so we have to give her a higher belt with higher privileges.” They say, “This girl is in junior high so we expect her to be able to earn this higher belt…but we’re not giving it to her until she earns it.”

The expectations increase as the student gets older, but the freedoms and privileges only increase as they are earned. And the instructor knows when that time has come, because she is watching, reinforcing, correcting, demonstrating, explaining, and refining the student’s moves and decisions. The instructor is attending mindfully to the student while having the student practice things she has been doing for years. The instructor watches the progress carefully and continues to guide, showing ways to strengthen punches and removing habits of sloppy stances and weak kicks.

The basic patterns of behavior and thought are taught early on in Tae Kwon Do, but they are practiced and refined with each lesson. The instructor says, “Lift your leg this way and your kick will be stronger.” She says, “Put your hand here for this kind of block or your sparring partner will be able to hit your face.” Behavior and thought come together for an ultimate purpose.

To me, that’s Mentorship. A Mentor sees where you are, what you are capable of doing, and where you can be in the future. A Mentor shows you your potential and helps you set goals and create a path to get there. As parents we can mentor our children to become capable adults with strong character who connect with people and live with purpose, meaning, contentment, and occasionally joy. We do this one drop at a time.

Parenting Teenagers

Parenting teenagers might be harder today than ever before, even for those parents who pretty much "have it all together."

Parenting teenagers has been made so difficult today by significant social changes over the past twenty years that have weakened parent-child bonds in many families.

Social Trends

1). Technology has been pulling children away from their parents: powerful computers and computer games, broad internet access, MySpace and YouTube type communication, interactive video games, cell phones, ipods, etc. These technologies have made all information available to all people regardless of age--or children’s readiness to deal with it. The child’s world has been expanded to the limits of the globe, way beyond the reach of parents and the four walls of the home.

2). At the same time, economic stresses and pressures on parents and families have been pulling parents away from their children. The vast majority of mothers have long been in the work force, outside the home, leaving a large part of the nurturing and raising of their youngest children in the hands of outsiders. Many parents have less time to spend with their children.

3). Interpersonal stresses and loss have been negatively impacting children for a long time, through divorce, remarriage, single-parent families, and (it appears to me) increasingly bitter custody battles.

4). Legal protections of children have tied parents’ hands from using the old fashioned methods of "disciplining" by corporal punishment, and many parents feel at a loss as to how to replace the old methods with more effective ones.

As a result of these social trends, teenagers are, by and large, much more sophisticated, more worldly-wise, more autonomous, more "hardened," more disconnected from parents, and more "well-connected" outside the home than there parents were as children. So it’s not really surprising that they are, as a group, more apt to defy their parents than today’s parents were when they themselves were teens.

And it’s not surprising that parents of teens often find it impossible to "keep their kids in line" using the parenting techniques they learned from their own parents, in a different day and age. Today's parents of teens are too often trying harder with primitive methods that are essentially power-and-control tactics (like punishment by deprivation of goods, money, or privileges). These methods are not only ineffective, but, making matters worse, they too often invite teenagers’ anger, and challenge them to be even more defiant.

So, what are today's parents of teenagers to do? Here are ten suggestions.

My experience as a parent educator and coach is teaching me that the way to go is for parents to parent smarter rather than harder. They say "you can’t teach an old dog new tricks." As some of the parents I work with tell me, it’s really hard to start breaking bad habits and even harder to keep from falling back into them. But those who are persistent, and committed to learning a few new skills, are having remarkable success with teenagers who were not so long ago driving them crazy. Here’s what I’m recommending, and what they are learning to do that is actually working in the sense that they are feeling better about themselves as parents and also seeing positive responses in their teenagers.

1). I tell these parents that they have been fired as their teenager’s boss. I tell them, This can be seen from a developmental perspective–it’s their job to get ready for life on their own. They think they’re grown. They demand to be treated as adults. They say they’re no longer kids. And they’ve decided that you, their parents, are no longer their boss. Period. Accept it. This requires an attitude adjustment on your part. Now you’ve got to learn some new tricks, and learn to parent smarter.

2). I recommend that my parents try coming at this whole thing from the opposite side, and try (as an experiment) a counter-intuitive approach: namely, backing off. Wanting the best for their kids, they’ve been trying too hard, using outmoded and ineffective methods (especially punishments) that don’t work. These kids are too smart and too independent to be fazed, and they only get madder and more defiant. To me "backing off" does not mean "backing down" or "backing away" or "backing out." It means to stop giving orders, stop yelling, stop criticizing, stop correcting, stop lecturing and explaining, stop making demands, stop the endless reminders, and (I’ll repeat it once more) stop giving orders. Your kids know what you want and how you think. It’s not that they "don’t listen." They hear it all–it’s just that they refuse to comply. And they know that you can’t make them do anything. The best you can do is get their cooperation. So, instead of making demands, make requests. And be willing to settle for a "no."

3). I recommend that parents figure out which role they have been typically playing with their teenager. From most authoritative to least, the six possibilities are: sheriff, boss, guide, consultant, friend, and servant. The only role that will consistently work well with teenagers is the consultant role. Your job is to get rehired as the teen’s consultant. And a consultant gives his or her opinions only when they’re wanted. So you have to learn when your teenager wants to hear your opinion before you give it.

4). In this respect, I recommend that the parents start listening and observing, without making comments or judgments. It’s more important for you to hear what your kid thinks than for your kid to hear what you think. (They’ve already heard it a thousand times.) I recommend that they talk much less to their teenager, and let the teen take the lead in starting conversations. Then, when they do, the parent should perk up, show interest, ask questions, try to learn how the teen thinks and feels about things that are important to him/her.

5). If 90% of the parent’s communication is reserved for listening (which I recommend), then the 10% that’s left for talking can be much more effective (and less bossy). That 10% is reserved for making requests (not giving orders). It’s for asking opinions (not providing them). It’s for making "I-messages" (not "you-messages"). It might even be for making apologies (not demanding them).

6). There will, of course, be times when the parent wants to discuss something and hold the teen accountable. I recommend "holding off" on it till the teen comes to you with some kind of request (or demand) of you, like going to a rock concert. Your response can then be something like, "Oh, I’m glad you mentioned that. It reminds me that I’ve been wanting to ask you about the fact that the lawn hasn’t been cut for three weeks." Stop. See how he responds. You have now set the table for a little dialog: he wants something, and you want something. Get his ideas on how this dilemma should be handled. The more the teenager takes the lead in offering solutions to problems you have with him/her, the better.

7). I strongly recommend that my parents toss out the concept of "rules," and replace it with "agreements." House agreements are negotiated, not imposed, like rules are. So, too, are consequences–positive as well as negative, with the positive being far more effective in encouraging responsible actions.

8). I also recommend that parents redefine "discipline." Unfortunately, in our culture it always means "punishment," but in Latin "disciplina" means teaching and learning. So I suggest thinking of "discipline" in the home as "teaching (and learning) responsibility and cooperation." It’s always based on dialogue, and agreement, not orders or commands.

9). I strongly recommend to my parents that they entirely avoid arguments and power struggles. It always takes two to argue, and if parents can control themselves and refuse to engage in power struggles, they will help both their teenager and themselves to avoid digging a deeper pit than they are already in. If the parent can accept the fact that s/he does not have to "win" in order to be a good or effective parent, it helps the child by letting them know that mom (or dad) may not agree, but she (he) can at least accept them as having a different view (and perhaps a very disagreeable one). This is clearly a sign of respect, which also conveys that the parent is aware that s/he cannot control the teen’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior, and is not about to try. Also, if parents can possible see that their child’s angry tantrum and willingness to engage in a power struggle might be motivated by feelings of weakness, inadequacy, or low self-worth, they can more easily let go of the need to "win" and relate to their child’s painful underlying feelings.

10). Regarding school attendance and performance, I always recommend that parents be aware of what their teen is doing, but don’t try to push them to perform better. They know good and well that their high school studies will affect post-high opportunities. And I’ve known teenagers who didn’t want to go to college, but later got themselves into a Voc-Tech program and were quite satisfied doing what they wanted to do.

Conclusion

I am finding that parents who seek out educational or coaching experiences are a pleasure to work with because they are willing to learn and change in order to help their child(ren) and to improve their parent-child relationships. While the task is typically harder than most parents expect it will be, and while some parents have an easier time than others in learning to parent "smarter rather than harder," almost all of them are grateful to learn that there are different ways of handling things than they learned from their own parents. And those who hang in there, working at learning new skills over a period of months, not only feel better about themselves as parents, but even find a satisfying payoff in an improved parent-teen relationship.

Talking to Kids about S-E-X

When parents think about talking to their children and teens about sexuality, common questions arise.

At what age do I begin talking about sex with my child?

Won’t I damage their innocence if I tell them these “grown-up” things?

What do I do about media?

If I talk about contraception and safe sex practices with my teen, won’t he or she think I think it’s ok for him/her to have sex? Won’t I just be making him/her want to go do it?

Most parents agree that their kids need to know the basics about sex—the “plumbing lesson,” so to speak. Insightful parents realize their kids need a lot more. This is where things can get tricky. These are not always easy conversations to have with children and teens, even though we know they are important. Many of us grew up in homes where sexuality was not a topic open for discussion around the dinner table. Here is some information that will hopefully help you as you embark on this important parenting journey.

Parents are their children’s first and primary sexuality educators, whether they are talking about sexuality or not. Either way, you give a loud message to your child. Is it ok to talk about these parts of my body and their functions? Is it embarrassing and shameful? Natural and normal?

Think about what messages you give on a daily basis regarding bodies and what they do. When children are infants, they often discover their genitalia at some point during the diaper changing process. What is your reaction? Is it matter of fact? Do you give them the name for that body part (penis, vulva) like you would if they found their nose? If you’re past this stage and wished you’d done it differently, no worries. The great thing about parenting is that issues come up again and again in different ways, so we get lots of practice to grow into how we want to be.

Toddlers and preschoolers are often curious about their body parts and what they do. Many times, families are having a second or subsequent child around this time, so a natural opportunity for discussion arises. There are some wonderful resources around teaching young children in the form of books that can help, especially if you are at all uncomfortable saying words like penis, testicles, vagina and vulva in front of your young child. One such book is Belly Buttons are Navels by Mark Schoen. For more resources for young children and also preteens and teens, go to http://www.diligentjoy.com/resources.html.

Some parents worry about damaging their child’s innocence by talking about sex. If we are discussing sexuality matter-of-factly and letting our kids take the lead with questions, there is little chance of this. Some children, however, will never bring it up, even if you are willing to talk about it. That’s where a book like Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character by Dominic Cappello and Pepper Schwartz can be helpful. This book encourages parents to be clear about their values, and then walks you through ten conversations to have with your child in a story format. Again, there are many resources to help you in this process.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the media in today’s parenting world. There are several options we have as parents when dealing with tv, the internet, and other sources of blatant and often unhealthy displays of sexuality. Parents can set limits regarding television viewing in terms of time and allowable programs. Many televisions now come with the ability to block any shows or ratings that are unacceptable to you. These are especially useful when you have several ages of children in your home. Computers are also able to be set up to block sites, words, topics, etc. Check your computer software or look at your local electronics store for one of the many options available. Remember, though, that no matter what you do, your child will probably be exposed at some time to something that you wish he or she hadn’t seen. Use these opportunities to keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions that bring in your values. Do you think that was respectful behavior? Why or why not? What do you think she is saying about herself by wearing that? Do you know kids who dress/act like that? What do you think about them? It’s important these questions are asked in a matter of fact way, and not in a way that implies there is only one acceptable answer. The goal is to keep communication open.

The debate about teaching teens about sexuality and how it affects their behavior has been raging for decades. Fortunately, the research is clear. Teaching children and youth about sexuality, including the use of contraception and barrier methods to promote safe sexual behavior, does not increase the age of onset in sexual behavior. In fact, it has been shown to decrease both teen pregnancy rates and rates of sexually transmitted infections, which many teens do not realize can be spread without having vaginal intercourse. In my experience with teaching sexuality education to teens, the more information they have, the more seriously they take the decision of becoming sexually active.

One expert I heard recently summed up this issue very well. She said that some conservative abstinence-only-until-marriage groups say the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just don’t do it.” On the other side of the same coin there is the media/popular culture saying the equivalent of “Don’t think about it—just do it.” What’s not only important for young people to do, but also what has been shown to be the most effective in keeping them healthy, is to think about it. So swallow those uncomfortable feelings, check out some good resources, and start talking to your kids about sex.

Introducing Peri-Adolescence, a new developmental phase

• Hi, I'm Sarah Gillen. I'm a certified Parenting Coach, and a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I’m writing a book proposing a new phase of child development, that I strongly think needs to be recognized. The ideas in it benefit pre-teens and teens as well. These concepts also help marriages, and any other relationship! So, I’m hoping that many folks will find value and be helped to have happier relationships from the book.
  
  I want to discuss it here and get your responses. That’ll help me a lot to fine-tune the material for book form.
  I’ve coined the term, “peri-adolescence” to describe the new phase, which in girls is from 8 – 10, and in boys is 9 – 11.
  
  Have you been shocked or surprised by some of the behaviors of your kids in these age groups? Are you surprised by tantrums, rudeness, tough-guy posturing, increased aggression, sneering, or hyper-sensitivity and to tone or comments, leading to outrage and quickly escalating fights? Parents and teachers are seeing moodiness and upset that we used to expect in 13 year olds. What is going on, and why is it happening so much sooner?
  
  The angst that children are evincing looks like adolescence. In early adolescence – 13-14 or so, kids seem so tough and rejecting. They are moody, aloof. They don’t seem to want anything to do with us. In actuality, because of what is happening neurologically, as well as psychologically at this age, their aloofness and rudeness hide a vulnerable and delicate core. It’s as if they know that their sense of self is not ready for public exposure. On some level, they know that they don’t have a clear, strong sense of who they are with which to meet the rigors of adult life.
  
  So it is with 8-11 year olds now. The rudeness, the freaking out, are not signs children are more mature earlier. They are signs that the pressures have increased, the expectations that children feel have increased, and kids don’t know what to do with them, at the same time as their bodies are beginning the second largest change in their lives.
  
  The benefits of recognizing peri-adolescence as a developmental phase are that:
• we can reduce painful mislabeling of their behavior and motivations, so that disruptive and conflictual acting out is reduced
• ease their transition into adolescence
• ensure that teens enjoy a healthy and rich connection with their families thru to adulthood
• increase the possibility that girls, especially, will retain higher self-esteem (I’ll talk about the research that shows how much girls lose their self-confidence as they move from childhood into adolescence)
  
  Here, as well as In my own blog, http://www.peri-adolescence.typepad.com/, I’ll talk about:
• the 3 reasons why children seem to be developing sooner,
• what is going on biologically at this age, and
• why it’s important to recognize the pressures on modern kids, both internal and external,
• what parents and teachers can do to understand and respond differently,
• what not to do.
  
  Is this topic of interest to you? What thoughts do you have as to what’s going on with our kids?